So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
