I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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