Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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