i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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