Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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