So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
