So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
