I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
