oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
