I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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