Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
