You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
