I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
