It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
