Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
