Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
