i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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