dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
