I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
