Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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