I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
