you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
