You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
