just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
