I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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