Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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