4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
