Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
