i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
