I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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