Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
