i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
