I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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