I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
