I am puke
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
