Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize