I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
please come you make the beer taste better
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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