I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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