I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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