i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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