HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
