I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
