my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
it's like iHOP with fire
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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