he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
