Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize