My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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