Will you blow on my dice?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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