Girls should come with a carfax report
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
