I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
