Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
