I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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