Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
