I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
