Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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