i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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