im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
