Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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