Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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