i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
