He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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